Sunday, January 9, 2011

the D word

I am not  sure why it happens but i know for me, when i was a  leader in ministry, there was and sadly still is a huge stigma around depression ...its like as if humans are super humans .......I have never in my entire life had depression, so when she walked in to my life it was a shock.
 I had tried to deny it for about 2 years, masking it with Scripture and  a smiley face ..but depression cant remain hidden, she has a way of finding a gap in our plastic facades and pulling us down ...
I remember not really thinking i had it, but from being a clean freak to then noticing that my dishes had been piling as had my laundry ...its the little things that started to make me think....
  i had been invaded,  i was no longer me
I gained 20 kilos and really found it hard to go out
I took 3 mths off from pastoring, but nothing seemed to help me,  I never would say the D world ..
I would always just put it down to tiredness.
Then one day  i started to get thoughts horrid thoughts ..i would yell at my family for nothing and then cry hysterically and I was getting scared the pressures of losing a baby a few years prior (rachel louise),then  having a daughter be bullied, losing my mother in law, and having my husband have a near fatal accident, losing our home, buissness, ministry, and friends,all within a matter of months had finely taken its toll ..then one day i lost it i thew my family out of the house and just cried and cried was that night I new this was a little more than just tirednes this my friends was what i had dreaded and tried to stand agaist thats when i knew depression hadnt only knocked on my door she had taken up and began to reside
its been a long rd, but one that would of been longer if i hadn't come to admit and aknowlage  it for what it was.
Depression isn't prejudice with who she resides with.. I found once i was honest it was easier,to begin a process back towards wholeness 
The reason iam writing this, is because you may be feeling similar ....and its the worst place to be ..
No one understands unless they have been there,but i want to say you don't have to do this alone ...
There is no shame
No lack of Faith
Life pulls punches and sometimes we get hit
We have Drs who can help with various medication to help set your serotonin back on track
and above all we have a wonderful healing God who longs to do a deep work within your heart dont do what i did and hide behind words and smiles and a few extra glasses of wine in the hope youll fall asleep and by morning life will be rosey again honest, couragous, brave and strong and be real about were your at...its then God starts to do what God does best ..

 Refuse to be chained and imprisioned by the lies that say if you have deppression your weak, that style of thinking is false and keeps you trapped unable to be whom God has called you to be .....The strength and strong in faith admit were they are at and do whatever it takes to get well a life of transparency ...
plastic people melt when the heat is on 
get raw, real, and whole and know your amazing just the way you are