This morning I was walking and reflecting on this past year,its something that I do each June as its the month i turn 21 again.
I love to reflect not only on how I have grown but on how I can grow...
The good times, The sad times,
The desert times, The fruitful times.
This year i have seen the dross of who I am come to the surface,yet I have also seen the Gold in me shine ..
I have trudged through a seemingly long valley, yet also managed with the help of some beautiful people to run to the mountain top.
I have felt so many dreams have been lost, Yet I stepped out in rediscovering new ones.
I have cried yet laughed.
been angry yet loved.
This year has not been a bad year when I think on it, its been a teaching year a stripping year .
A year were i have learned things i believed i already knew.
A year i accepted that I am free to be me and that's ok (not 100% there yet)
A year were I have let go of things that were not good yet held on to our Good God …….
Like all of us i still have some questions that I bring to God which can be powefull and yet very confronting.
Why iam i writing this ?
I am doing so because if one ounce of my journey can illuminate a way for someone else then its all been worth it.
There were some days when my feet felt they had been nailed to a roundabout,and I could not seem move forward.
Grief would come in like a wave, followed by a massive rip called shame and guilt.
No matter how hard I tried to lift my head these feelings would overwhelm me time and time again.
However my questions that i was asking God kept receiving the same answer "you are mine ,You are called ,and I love you "and in my desperation to hear more specific answers i began to feel frustrated.
I wanted to hear Go left, then right,left again, type of answers.
Yet all HE kept saying was "you are mine ,You are called ,and I love you "
You see the truth is that this is the only answer we need ..I am not saying God doesn't speak to us about anything else because he surely does.
But so many times i know for me was searching so hard that i would miss what he is saying.
Often we are so busy searching for the answer to end all our pain and heartache,or give us the direction on the way forward that we miss what he is truly saying and he part called resting.
If today you are in that place can i assure you that hope does come,pain does fade and you will smile again.
As i write this trust me i am still on the journey but the beauty is I am not the same as i was last June.
If pain and greif surround you this morning dont give up your healing is on its way.
Don't rush allow God to do deep work in your heart.
Grief has no time limit, what may take a few months for some can take years for another.
Sometimes we hide our pain because we fear others will see it as a lack of faith in God as we should be strong.... that my friends is a load of baloney....
Cry out to God Scream out to him and allow his clock to tick.
He knows just whats needed to restore you back.
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